life is soo good

So life is sooo good right now...
I make awsome money at a job i love
I got a great deal on a BMW
Someone found my $300 cell phone and returned it
I get my own place in 1 week.
I still hurt...but itgets better every day.
I feel good.
I still don't feel too loved, but..ehe?
Outside is good
Inside is still torn apart

Changes

So i heard an interesting quote last night that has stuck with me all throughout the day...i can't get it out of my head and i just have to talk about it...

"what you feel only matters to YOU, what you DO to the people you love is what matters"


wow...powerful, i know
what a great way to think
not to think of yourself...but others....sometimes a difficult concept.

I need to start living this.... :(
I'm going to start living this...

better than ever...

so things are looking up
the nights are still hard...no doubt
the dreams...and i don't mean "aspirations"
they are stil hard, every night
but life... its getting better...
and that its good...
I still miss you though...
every day...
and i always will

92....

its been 3 months today
since the last time i saw you
i could never explain
how much i adored you
i never thought i would make it
this far
i almost didn't make it
this far
i don't really know if im making it
this far
how far is this far

this has destroyed me
yet built me up at the same time
i guess i'm in a better place
but i'm still lonely, still hoping, still longing

i know why i had to suffer
i know why i had to die...
at least in side
in my mind, but why

for today...enough...

so....life....

What is this thing. From place to place. relationship to relationship. person to person. hurt to hurt. life to life. love to love. rich to broke. happy to sad. depressed to happy. how do we live it. how do you live it. we can communicate with a craft 44 million miles away on mars, but i can't get a cell phone signal in my house... sometimes i feel like that is how life is. communicating with people, friends, family, your closest...the things you say matter but they dont. try to please and your unhappy. try to be real and feel like a let down. its a lose lose situation, unless...? you tell me.

Stuck in the middle

As i walked my dog last night i thought of something. i was walking down one of the side streets and i saw a car with the dome light on....well, the door was ajar? i think that it is really sad that i had to stop and think, if i go to shut the door and they come out it will not be believable that i was trying to do something good, but more likely be persecuted for messing with there car...i didn't touch it...

say what you need to say

Take all of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all of your so-called problems
Better put them in quotations

Say what you need to say

Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you’d be better off instead
If you could only

Say what you need to say

Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You better know that in the end
It’s better to say too much
Than never to say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open

So i have never had a song or anything speak to me so much. if you want to get in depth with torrey...well...here is you chance. lets break it down...

i guess i feel like my problems are soooo much greater than everyone else. who doesn't. but i will say this. you know. its weird. me and Courtney haven't been together for a long time, and i really guess i can't speak to weather it is strange or not but to this day i still love that girl with all of my heart. if i must tell the truth i dream about her most every night and i usually try to go back to sleep to be back in the dream. lets take for instance...

last night i had a dream that i was talking to her on the phone and i saw her and i was the greatest moment in my life since the last time that i saw her. we weren't talking about anything pleasant but it was still the best dream of my life and i would give anything to be back in it. i know, i know, fucked up. but the fact of the matter remains, i still do and until the day i die i will love that girl with all of my heart.

i mean seriously...every night, you think im kidding but i'm not, i look forward to dreaming just so that i can be in the presence of her. i miss her so much. and i hope that some day we will be able to see each other again... ahh....no one gets it. i would give anything just to "Really" see her face. its a love like i've never known. i feel like i've ,made so many mistakes that i don't even deserve it...but i said what i needed to say.

ok lets talk about this...
"Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You better know that in the end
It’s better to say too much
Than never to say what you need to say again"

you know i don't have any idea if my mouth not saying what i did(lord knows i made my mistakes) would have made any difference. maybe, maybe not. i'll say i know that i always said what i felt and sometimes it makes it hard to deal with but i DO NOT think that in any way i could have changed the outcome.

Courtney, i miss you so much, more than i could ever describe, i hope you know how much i love and loved you and never doubt it. you will be my one and only forever.