92....

its been 3 months today
since the last time i saw you
i could never explain
how much i adored you
i never thought i would make it
this far
i almost didn't make it
this far
i don't really know if im making it
this far
how far is this far

this has destroyed me
yet built me up at the same time
i guess i'm in a better place
but i'm still lonely, still hoping, still longing

i know why i had to suffer
i know why i had to die...
at least in side
in my mind, but why

for today...enough...

so....life....

What is this thing. From place to place. relationship to relationship. person to person. hurt to hurt. life to life. love to love. rich to broke. happy to sad. depressed to happy. how do we live it. how do you live it. we can communicate with a craft 44 million miles away on mars, but i can't get a cell phone signal in my house... sometimes i feel like that is how life is. communicating with people, friends, family, your closest...the things you say matter but they dont. try to please and your unhappy. try to be real and feel like a let down. its a lose lose situation, unless...? you tell me.

Stuck in the middle

As i walked my dog last night i thought of something. i was walking down one of the side streets and i saw a car with the dome light on....well, the door was ajar? i think that it is really sad that i had to stop and think, if i go to shut the door and they come out it will not be believable that i was trying to do something good, but more likely be persecuted for messing with there car...i didn't touch it...

say what you need to say

Take all of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all of your so-called problems
Better put them in quotations

Say what you need to say

Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you’d be better off instead
If you could only

Say what you need to say

Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You better know that in the end
It’s better to say too much
Than never to say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open

So i have never had a song or anything speak to me so much. if you want to get in depth with torrey...well...here is you chance. lets break it down...

i guess i feel like my problems are soooo much greater than everyone else. who doesn't. but i will say this. you know. its weird. me and Courtney haven't been together for a long time, and i really guess i can't speak to weather it is strange or not but to this day i still love that girl with all of my heart. if i must tell the truth i dream about her most every night and i usually try to go back to sleep to be back in the dream. lets take for instance...

last night i had a dream that i was talking to her on the phone and i saw her and i was the greatest moment in my life since the last time that i saw her. we weren't talking about anything pleasant but it was still the best dream of my life and i would give anything to be back in it. i know, i know, fucked up. but the fact of the matter remains, i still do and until the day i die i will love that girl with all of my heart.

i mean seriously...every night, you think im kidding but i'm not, i look forward to dreaming just so that i can be in the presence of her. i miss her so much. and i hope that some day we will be able to see each other again... ahh....no one gets it. i would give anything just to "Really" see her face. its a love like i've never known. i feel like i've ,made so many mistakes that i don't even deserve it...but i said what i needed to say.

ok lets talk about this...
"Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You better know that in the end
It’s better to say too much
Than never to say what you need to say again"

you know i don't have any idea if my mouth not saying what i did(lord knows i made my mistakes) would have made any difference. maybe, maybe not. i'll say i know that i always said what i felt and sometimes it makes it hard to deal with but i DO NOT think that in any way i could have changed the outcome.

Courtney, i miss you so much, more than i could ever describe, i hope you know how much i love and loved you and never doubt it. you will be my one and only forever.

If you want to see something amazing...watch this

Eva Cassidy died way before she should have.

This is Classic

I had to put this on here because i think it is great. You have to check this out...at least once.

The Mangled Wreckage

So It's funny, today seems like a better day even though its crappy outside. I've got some pictures of my accident. Yeah i really did a number on some cars in this one. The other truck is actually a city vehicle. ha. i mean everyone is ok, so that its good considering i totaled 3 cars! After all it wasn't my fault that the front wheel broke loose on the truck but it still sucks at the same time. ehh. you live and learn i guess. Mostly that you just never know though. And that a lot of times, tangible life imitates the the what we can feel inside...but in the end...somehow...it seems that it always turns out.
On another note I think that my dog is allergic to something in my house...since he woke up this morning he has been sneezing like crazy. I mean its kind of funny but i need to figure out what it is. I'm not his favorite person right now anyway(due to the removal of his manhood a couple weeks ago) so i need to do my best. It actually was really funny, he didn't get up in my bed at night after the surgery for about 2 weeks. But he's back to his old self now, being a bed hog.

New and Old

So as the old saying goes, to accompany in the new the old must go...but why is this so. Maybe sometimes its not so bad for the old to say. I mean, who's to say that to repaint a room, you have to repaint it all, or even more so appropriate, why does it seem in life to start over you have to start ALL OVER. Maybe its just me, maybe i have the worst luck ever or maybe i bring it on myself but i dont know, it just seems that bad luck is haunting me. I mean, I try to be a good person, do right, do people right, even though i fail a lot. oh well who knows. I know i wont quite trying though.

as life begins and ends

Why is it whenever we seem to be climbing out of a hole, things are getting back good, or even just normal, something, somehow comes along and sends you on an unparalleled new adventure that can seem nothing but bad at the time(I realize that things work out in time but still)? It seem that life is a constant reminder of what we cant have at times. I mean, honestly, I am trying my damndest to do my best and get out on my own and not be dependent on anyone to support me or anything, which is hard for me after everything that has happened to me in the last 6 months, but it seems on a daily basis, it gets harder while it gets easier as well.
I mean as you see on one hand, being home is easier in that i don't have a lot of the worries that I had when i was living on my own but i do have to answer to someone on EVERYTHING. i.e. where i've been, where i'me going, what i'm doing, who i'm with, excetera... that is something that i am not used to and dont especially like at all. I've dealt with it pretty well honestly, I mean as best as i can, and it seemed that things were looking up. today, for example, i had received a call from a job that i am really hopening to get and thins were really looking good. I went to get some clothes to wear for the interview for this and wouldn't you know it on the way home i totally wreck my dad's truck in a freak accident of his front wheel flying off...I mean if you can't see the irony in that then even know how to explain any of this too you.